The absurdities of internet slang

Many a year ago, back during the ancient ages of prehistory, something was invented that would change the course of history forever. This invention gave instant communication across the globe, transport of data across unimaginable stretches and allowed any 5th grader with half a brain access to every single movie, CD track and game on the planet. This invention was called the internet.

The rise of the internet came with a dark and sinister counterpart: the fall of language. Yes, English would never recover from the mighty blows it received from the rapidly growing internet, its former glory now reduced to ones and zeros.

Alas, no longer does English abide by any rule. All previous developments were chucked out the door like toxic waste of an engorged purple banana.

Gone are the days of full stops, capital letters and correctly placed apostrophes. No longer do humans write with pride, dignity or any common sense. English is dead!

Spelling does not matter any more. Grammar has no place in this day and age.
Wat? u may ask? Wat was so gr8 about speelling and grammer anyways? Wat do u mean we r lost if we cant spell lk human beans?

Human beans??? Does it hurt to type out the actual word “being”? I kid you not, this is seen often on those darned social network sites. Myspace it was: a place teeming with illiteracies worthy of the greatest human beans.

Even more absurd is the incredible amount of acronyms popping up like there’s not tomorrow.
Lol?
Lol?!?
Who in reality actually says “Laugh out loud”? It doesn’t even make sense anyway!

Joe: Look! A flying pig!
Sue: Laugh out loud

As frightening as lol is, there seems to be no end in these utterly random expressions. ROFL, LMAO, G2G, STFU, IDK are all indicators of how far we have slid in our civilisation.

There is worst to come it seems as internet slang enters what we human beans call the “real world”. Too many times has this one heard people actually use LOL in their everyday conversation. There is little hope for English. Shoot us now.

I come here today with a plea for sanity. English is dying! We must not let this rich language disappear without a fight!

Use those capital letters. Spell those words correctly. Make use of grammar. Delete LOL from your memory.

Save English!

k?

Pi ties

Once upon a time, in a far away school, there attended a handsome young student who was brilliant in all he did. He poured his heart and soul into his studies while maintaining a close circle of the best friends you could imagine.

The young student excelled particularly in the study of mathematics, earning himself not one, but two of the highest prestige awards every offered in any classroom: stickers.

Yes, with two stickers under his belt the young student went for the absolute ultimate prize one receives when one is blessed with four divine stickers. This prize transcended heaven and earth. It was whispered about in the darkest corners of the science labs, and discussed in secret during English lessons. This prize was truly awesome and deserved, no demanded, the respect of every living thing on the planet. Yes, it was the legendary Pi tie.

The young student worked relentlessly for the prize and, inadvertently, eternal glory. He toiled through the harsh and unforgiving lessons. He persevered through the toughest of tests. But just as victory was at hand, it was cruelly wretched away.

One of the young student’s friends, with little effort on his side, acquired three whole divine stickers. There was no hard work, no desperate struggles, just a few words and a casual wager and they were his.

The young student was torn between loyalty to his friend and the burning jealously within. He toiled relentlessly to find the answer. Finally, after seconds of thought, the young student dropped his pride and congratulated his friend.

The two friends shook hands, at last knowing that not even something as great and magnificent as a pie tie could separate them. They both vowed to work together to some day, some bright and glorious day, to achieve the everlasting, eternal and tremendous prize of a pie tie.

And they would do it, together.

Based on a true story

Well, I’m here!

On a particular Wednesday evening, a young man steps into his room after a delicious dinner and says to himself: “I’m going to start a blog”

What drove this man to such insanity is unknown but police have identified 3 suspects who are on the run, and are willing to offer a reward on information leading to the arrest of any one of them.

Half an hour later, after going through the tedious process of signing up to a site, registering e-mail addresses etc., the young, and particular dashing, man is finally able to expose his heart and soul for the whole world to see (well at least those who have internet access)

The young man, who particularly enjoys writing in 3rd person, goes on to write his first blog entry, announcing to the world that he has arrived, with great dignity and honour, to the vast expanses of the blogsphere. He then goes on to use words, unknown to him, such as “blogsphere” in hopes of making him sound smart and possibly knowledgeable about something he really knows nothing about.

After writing a few paragraphs, the young man sits back and admires his handiwork and contemplates pressing the “submit” button, knowing full well that the few words he has typed will be circulating the internet faster than news of a celebrity break-up.

The young man smiles to himself knowing that very soon, he will be part of a phenomenon sweeping the planet with incredible speed. Ironically, the young man still has absolutely no idea what the phenomenon is, what its purpose is, and why he even bothered to participate.

In closing to his first blog entry, the young man types:

“Well, I’m here!”