The dangers of MP3 players

We humans are under attack.
Well obviously, you might say as you watch the evening news. Evil dictators, drunk teenagers, rabid dogs and the like are all constantly attacking us to destroy everything we hold dear. However, it is my duty to inform you of an even greater threat, greater than even the nuclear missile aimed at your home or that mad dog that lives down the road. No my fellow humans, we are being assaulted by the so called humble MP3 player.

While it may look harmless, the MP3 player is the most dangerous threat that the human race has ever seen. In ways, a MP3 can do more damage than 3-tons of conventional explosives. Just a box of these notorious items make a nuclear missile look like a pitiful water bomb.

From the minute that that ear piece touches a person’s ear, it begins to inflict irreversible damage to nearly every aspect of that person’s body. Along with the gradual destruction of the sense of hearing, the unnatural act forces undesired consequences upon the mind. Glazed eyes, uncontrollable bobbing of the head and the inability to react are all common occurrences experienced when MP3s attack.

Sociologically speaking, the MP3 player has devastating effects. In many instances, the victim will loose all sense of time and space with their minds phasing in and out of existence. Typically, that person will loose the ability to socialise properly as the irresistible lure of the MP3 will block out all sense of reality. This leads to the isolation from peers from not being able to respond to voice prompts, eye contact or even frantic gestures. So bad is the problem, MP3 players are being described as mental explosives that totally disable the mind.

Now my dear readers, you may be wondering why I have gone out of my way to rant on about something as inconsequential as the portable music player. I’ll tell you why. In my experience, even the most intelligent and sociable person will turn into a pillar of unresponsive flesh once they are plugged into an MP3. You try to speak to them but its about as effective as grooming a rock (I.e. not at all).

So now I come to you with a simple request: unplug yourself when others are around. While you may loose a fraction of your “coolness factor” (apparently being permanently wired to a white box is sociably appealing) the trade-off is undeniably worth it: a life.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hide now. Already a large mass of glazed-eyed youths are gathering outside my front door – they’ve brought their MP3′s.

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