Revival?

As it stands, it is 9:30pm, Thursday 11th of March 2010.
This means it has been over 1 year and 4 months since I have last mustered up the courage to publish my personal thoughts to the grand medium known as the internet.
This is unacceptable.
So I’m back.

Much has transpired since last I was graced by your presence. Most of this will bear no effect upon your personal life. But if you’ll indulge me, allow me to rant.

Firstly, I’ve grown older.
Of course this may seem obvious, but this has inevitably affected both my perception of the world and my personality.
Never fear my dear reader, you still look as charming as ever.
I am unsure as to how this change will flow onto my writing style and subject matter. But if you’d bear with me, lets look down this rabbit-hole mind of mine.
Come, let me show you something.

I have finished school.
Indeed year 12 came and went in a flash. Undoubtedly it was the most exciting, memorable and fun year of secondary education. High School is, and I’m sure you’ll agree, a unique place. Apart from the obvious academic education one (might) receive, it is also the central hub of social development. It’s a place of happiness, sadness, laughter and tears. A place of fulfilment, stress, anger and relief.
And that’s just the teachers.

For the better or worse, students who go through high school undergo a transformation. Partly from conscious choice and partly from the influence of their peers. It’s true. I went through the same thing.

Back in the days of my youth (HA!) I was, most likely, the small, annoying, know-it-all kid that people either disliked or found amusing. That, of course hasn’t changed, but fortunately I’ve picked up a few more things to fill my repertoire of personality traits. I have a sense of humour now, along with a disproportionately large sense of sarcasm. I also have a greater confidence in myself, which allows me to start conversations in situations that would have petrified me earlier in life. This slight increase in confidence, however, does not extend into social awareness. So trying to be smooth? Not a chance.

Social ineptness aside, I believe I now have an extremely cold and analytical mind ready to take over my normal self at any time. This is slightly problematic as I’ll go from laughing with friends to sitting in a corner listening intently to multiple conversations with a glazed look on my face.
I’m strange, admit it. You know you want to.
But then again, who isn’t?

While its true that most people are moulded into a similar shape to their friends, it’s their strangeness that defines them.
I would say that it is the similarities between people that initially draw people together, but it’s the difference in personalities that keep them stuck.
Ask yourself this: “Would you enjoy hanging out with yourself?”
I certainly wouldn’t.
Heck I’d have probably shot myself by now.
So my point is, while conformity is pleasant, individuality is essential.
Speaking of conformity…

I bought an iPod.
Oh God it’s true.
I’m still reeling from my decision.
Truth to be told, the reason I went out and bought one was that I discovered my long lost love – of music.
I now use it to battle long bus trips, periods of extreme boredom and unsuspecting boring people.
I’m joking about the boring people, but I have indeed traded my life and soul for this magic rectangular object.
Funny how things change in such a short time.

I think this may be a good place to close this new blog entry.
Yes I know that this is markedly different from my previous, more humour-oriented posts. Hopefully it’s still a moderately enjoyable read.
Go easy on me hey? It’s been a while.
Already I’m having random ideas flying through my head on what to write next. If you’d do me the honour of coming back a short while later, I may have a post up about the quirks and oddities of University I’ve experienced so far. Or perhaps a different subject, I’m not sure.

But still, I must thank you for your support in reading this.
Maybe together we might make some sense of this strange world.
It’s good to be back.

Works Page

Just a quick note to tell all you lovely people that there is a new page up in this blog.

It’s called Works and it will be a page where I upload my creations from time to time.

You can get there by using the navigation bar near the top of the screen.

Please leave a comment and happy reading! 😀

Saving water

As all we proud Australians know, we are in the middle of a severe drought.

Let me now digress from my writings to look up the word “drought” on the acclaimed internet resource Dictionary.com

drought [drout]

1. a long period of abnormally low rainfall, especially one that adversely affects living conditions

Oh really? You would think that with all our swimming pools, front lawns, mammoth gardens and hour-long showers that we were living permanently in the middle of the monsoon season. Unfortunately, the truth must be told: Australia is, in reality, a pretty dry place.

For those who cannot understand the big large words (such as abnormally: 4 syllables!), the word “drought” simply means that there is NO WATER. Yes that’s right, that strange clear liquidly stuff that comes out of taps does not appear because of magic (I can see you crying now). It is, in fact, running out and when it’s gone, you’re going to die.

Of course something as critical and urgent as water will without a doubt be practically completely ignored by politicians. Sure, they talk about and show off their grand scheme to save the Murray but when it comes down to crunch time, we’ll all be down here fighting over that last cup of fresh water (which is actually just a liquefied form of the excess ego politicians excrete every week or so)

But let us not blame the politicians; they’re obviously doing the best job they can. Let’s have a look at the people eating up water like a sponge (a very large and yellow sponge). There’s your neighbour with that garden that takes 2 Olympic sized swimming pools to water (yours, of course, would be just as good except you are a good water-conserving citizen), that guy down the street who washes his car with a hose every Sunday morning, your sister whose showers take an eternity to end and those large cities to the North who think that Adelaide is a backwater not worthy of some H20.

Or it could be those large farms that seem to need three times as much water as an entire city does. Such a smart decision it was to grow cotton, rice and grapes in the world’s second driest continent: when we’re all shrivelling up like prunes in the sun, at least we’ll have those cotton underpants to wear.

However, even with all this throwing of the blame, one fact remains: if we do not fix this problem fast, we’re stuffed.

And so, as we sit on the shower floor during our hour long deluge, slowly draining the Murray, we remember this one thing:

It’s always the other guys fault.

The dangers of MP3 players

We humans are under attack.
Well obviously, you might say as you watch the evening news. Evil dictators, drunk teenagers, rabid dogs and the like are all constantly attacking us to destroy everything we hold dear. However, it is my duty to inform you of an even greater threat, greater than even the nuclear missile aimed at your home or that mad dog that lives down the road. No my fellow humans, we are being assaulted by the so called humble MP3 player.

While it may look harmless, the MP3 player is the most dangerous threat that the human race has ever seen. In ways, a MP3 can do more damage than 3-tons of conventional explosives. Just a box of these notorious items make a nuclear missile look like a pitiful water bomb.

From the minute that that ear piece touches a person’s ear, it begins to inflict irreversible damage to nearly every aspect of that person’s body. Along with the gradual destruction of the sense of hearing, the unnatural act forces undesired consequences upon the mind. Glazed eyes, uncontrollable bobbing of the head and the inability to react are all common occurrences experienced when MP3s attack.

Sociologically speaking, the MP3 player has devastating effects. In many instances, the victim will loose all sense of time and space with their minds phasing in and out of existence. Typically, that person will loose the ability to socialise properly as the irresistible lure of the MP3 will block out all sense of reality. This leads to the isolation from peers from not being able to respond to voice prompts, eye contact or even frantic gestures. So bad is the problem, MP3 players are being described as mental explosives that totally disable the mind.

Now my dear readers, you may be wondering why I have gone out of my way to rant on about something as inconsequential as the portable music player. I’ll tell you why. In my experience, even the most intelligent and sociable person will turn into a pillar of unresponsive flesh once they are plugged into an MP3. You try to speak to them but its about as effective as grooming a rock (I.e. not at all).

So now I come to you with a simple request: unplug yourself when others are around. While you may loose a fraction of your “coolness factor” (apparently being permanently wired to a white box is sociably appealing) the trade-off is undeniably worth it: a life.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hide now. Already a large mass of glazed-eyed youths are gathering outside my front door – they’ve brought their MP3’s.

Death by school bag

My friends, I am dying.

I am dying not of any injury, yet I ache and whimper in pain.
I am dying not of old age, yet everyday I grow more weary.
I am dying not of hunger, yet I have no energy to go on.
I am dying not of any disease, yet I am being consumed from the inside out.

I am dying not of anything of this world. It drifts in and out of reality. It follows no rules, no guidelines. It is merciless, unforgiving, dark and, above all, evil.

My friends, I am dying because of my school bag.

It sits there, next to my desk even as I’m writing this. Its navy blue form slumped on the floor like melted cheese. Like the cheese, it is sticky: I can’t get rid of it. It lies there, biding its time. It’s in no hurry, it will wait…

You may ask: “Why your school bag? Is it not merely a harmless object?”
I tell thee not.

On the outside, it is plain, unattractive, boring and not even worth a second glance. But on the inside, it holds untold horrors the world should never see.

Inside lies pain, stress, guilt, depression and sadness. Yes, the bag holds the very essence of evil: homework.

Homework is what lies in the school bag. It is forever there, waiting for you to succumb to its will. You can try to brave it out and battle it like the sea does with the shore. But it is in vain. If you manage to slay even one section of it, another three will spring up to take its place. You cannot ignore it. It will hunt you down and devour you like a fat kid looking for chocolate.

The bag knows its power. It enjoys watching you squirm. It will wait until you think it is safe and then slam seven assignments onto your lap. It loves seeing you cringe in horror at another sleepless night – it itself needs not sleep. It is always there, watching you.

But the bag has more up its devious straps. Apart from the mental anguish, it loves inflicting physical stress. The bag has no problem filling itself up with books, paper and large stone weights (called calculators) in order to amplify your misery. Mangled spines, broken legs and deformed shoulders are a sure sign of school bag activity. It is not uncommon to see children being crushed by these bags, so full, they weigh about the same as the island of Madagascar.

My friends, we are dying. This sort of mental and physical torture should not happen, but it does.

There is nothing we can do to avoid the inevitable death by school bag. However, we can still put up a fight

We can play their game. We can resist their torturous actions. Do not give them the satisfaction of seeing you defeated. Remember this: your dignity cannot be lost unless you give it up.

Already I feel the pull of the school bag. It is calling my name. I must answer its call, but I will do so in such a way as to make them think twice about challenging me. They will not break me.

My friends, if we cannot win, then at least we can do this:

Die with honour

The absurdities of internet slang

Many a year ago, back during the ancient ages of prehistory, something was invented that would change the course of history forever. This invention gave instant communication across the globe, transport of data across unimaginable stretches and allowed any 5th grader with half a brain access to every single movie, CD track and game on the planet. This invention was called the internet.

The rise of the internet came with a dark and sinister counterpart: the fall of language. Yes, English would never recover from the mighty blows it received from the rapidly growing internet, its former glory now reduced to ones and zeros.

Alas, no longer does English abide by any rule. All previous developments were chucked out the door like toxic waste of an engorged purple banana.

Gone are the days of full stops, capital letters and correctly placed apostrophes. No longer do humans write with pride, dignity or any common sense. English is dead!

Spelling does not matter any more. Grammar has no place in this day and age.
Wat? u may ask? Wat was so gr8 about speelling and grammer anyways? Wat do u mean we r lost if we cant spell lk human beans?

Human beans??? Does it hurt to type out the actual word “being”? I kid you not, this is seen often on those darned social network sites. Myspace it was: a place teeming with illiteracies worthy of the greatest human beans.

Even more absurd is the incredible amount of acronyms popping up like there’s not tomorrow.
Lol?
Lol?!?
Who in reality actually says “Laugh out loud”? It doesn’t even make sense anyway!

Joe: Look! A flying pig!
Sue: Laugh out loud

As frightening as lol is, there seems to be no end in these utterly random expressions. ROFL, LMAO, G2G, STFU, IDK are all indicators of how far we have slid in our civilisation.

There is worst to come it seems as internet slang enters what we human beans call the “real world”. Too many times has this one heard people actually use LOL in their everyday conversation. There is little hope for English. Shoot us now.

I come here today with a plea for sanity. English is dying! We must not let this rich language disappear without a fight!

Use those capital letters. Spell those words correctly. Make use of grammar. Delete LOL from your memory.

Save English!

k?

Pi ties

Once upon a time, in a far away school, there attended a handsome young student who was brilliant in all he did. He poured his heart and soul into his studies while maintaining a close circle of the best friends you could imagine.

The young student excelled particularly in the study of mathematics, earning himself not one, but two of the highest prestige awards every offered in any classroom: stickers.

Yes, with two stickers under his belt the young student went for the absolute ultimate prize one receives when one is blessed with four divine stickers. This prize transcended heaven and earth. It was whispered about in the darkest corners of the science labs, and discussed in secret during English lessons. This prize was truly awesome and deserved, no demanded, the respect of every living thing on the planet. Yes, it was the legendary Pi tie.

The young student worked relentlessly for the prize and, inadvertently, eternal glory. He toiled through the harsh and unforgiving lessons. He persevered through the toughest of tests. But just as victory was at hand, it was cruelly wretched away.

One of the young student’s friends, with little effort on his side, acquired three whole divine stickers. There was no hard work, no desperate struggles, just a few words and a casual wager and they were his.

The young student was torn between loyalty to his friend and the burning jealously within. He toiled relentlessly to find the answer. Finally, after seconds of thought, the young student dropped his pride and congratulated his friend.

The two friends shook hands, at last knowing that not even something as great and magnificent as a pie tie could separate them. They both vowed to work together to some day, some bright and glorious day, to achieve the everlasting, eternal and tremendous prize of a pie tie.

And they would do it, together.

Based on a true story

Well, I’m here!

On a particular Wednesday evening, a young man steps into his room after a delicious dinner and says to himself: “I’m going to start a blog”

What drove this man to such insanity is unknown but police have identified 3 suspects who are on the run, and are willing to offer a reward on information leading to the arrest of any one of them.

Half an hour later, after going through the tedious process of signing up to a site, registering e-mail addresses etc., the young, and particular dashing, man is finally able to expose his heart and soul for the whole world to see (well at least those who have internet access)

The young man, who particularly enjoys writing in 3rd person, goes on to write his first blog entry, announcing to the world that he has arrived, with great dignity and honour, to the vast expanses of the blogsphere. He then goes on to use words, unknown to him, such as “blogsphere” in hopes of making him sound smart and possibly knowledgeable about something he really knows nothing about.

After writing a few paragraphs, the young man sits back and admires his handiwork and contemplates pressing the “submit” button, knowing full well that the few words he has typed will be circulating the internet faster than news of a celebrity break-up.

The young man smiles to himself knowing that very soon, he will be part of a phenomenon sweeping the planet with incredible speed. Ironically, the young man still has absolutely no idea what the phenomenon is, what its purpose is, and why he even bothered to participate.

In closing to his first blog entry, the young man types:

“Well, I’m here!”